Green Roots Hot Spring
by I like angst
Summary: "If you say so," Tsunade said with a dark smile. "Then it is final, you will be the new anti-peeping guard at the Green Roots Hot Spring." A story in which Tenten should really have read the fine print. Chapter 4 Omake.
1. Beginning

Standard disclaimer: I don't own Naruto

Not so standard disclaimer: I know nothing . . . nothing!

She had never believed in love at first sight. She thought it laughable that two people could just catch a glimpse of each other from across the room and suddenly be in love. She was the type of person to crack jokes during the "sad part" of romantic movies; Sakura and Ino no longer brought her along for movie night because of this. So why was this happening now? In one day she was completely, devastatingly devoted and already torn apart from her one true love.

"You can drool on it all you like, but like I told you yesterday the price isn't going down." Tenten tore her eyes away from the display case to the shopkeeper.

"Come on I'm your best costumer, we can work something out." She ran a possessive hand over the glass casing itching to hold the steel chakra sword within. It was the perfect weapon for short and long distance combat and could adapt within a moment's notice. A hidden mechanism allowed the long double edged blade to detach from the hilt revealing a thin but perfectly indestructible chakra chain which gave the weapon a 30 meter range. As a regular sword the weight and length were perfectly balanced so as to move with the user and was well suited for smooth quick attacks. As a sword on chain the blades chain feed on the user's chakra causing the blades weight and density to increase and decrease accordingly allowing the user greater control and accuracy than most chained weapons. In either form the blade had been sharpened to the point that that you could cut straight through a man without breaking a sweat. There couldn't possibly be any another man or woman out there who could wield it better than her. It was her sword.

"Kid you maybe in here every day, but the number of kunais, daggers, sickles, and chains you bought in a year still wouldn't match the price of this sword. You're a shinobi why don't you try getting a mission so you can earn it."

"But all the good missions are taken. Even if I did all the D-rank missions left on the roster I'd still have less than half!" Tears glistened in her eyes. The shop owner looked indifferent.

"Not my problem kid. Hey, stop scaring my customers!" Tenten stopped glaring at the little genin who had wandered to close to the display. Sighing and with one last forlorn look she left the store.

Plan A, begging had failed. She began walking to the hokage tower. It looked like a couple of months or years of d-rank missions and ramen dinners. Maybe Tora was on the loose again. If she could catch the nasty hell cat quick enough maybe Madam Shijimi would give her an extra reward, of cash. The last thing she would want was that woman's other reward of homemade Onigiri. It was pathetic that her first time visiting the hospital as a real ninja was because of accidental food poisoning.

"What is it this time Tenten?" Shizune said before taking a bite out of the chocolate bar.

"It's the most beautiful sword ever crafted by man. It can alternate between a short and long ranged weapon and feeds off the users chakra—"

"How much is it this time Tenten?" Shizune said before the girl could get too worked up. The last thing she wanted to do was get stuck into an hour long rant about the usefulness of spears. It was no wonder Tadashi in weapons design had been pestering to have the chuunin gain early admission into the testing branch.

"35,000 ryo." Tenten said with a dismissive wave.

"You do realize that the average c class mission is a 1,000 Tenten chan. Too bad all we have left are d-class missions that go for 500 apiece. Do you have any money saved up?" Tenten looked away sheepishly playing with her fingers.

"750 ryo." Shizune repressed the urge to shake the girl. She settled for a stern expression and voice instead.

"You do realize that you should save up for more than just weapons." The girl gave her, her best puppy dog eyes. 'I'm such a sucker' Shizune thought as she shook her head.

"Let's see what we can get you."

"SHIZUNE," Tsunade's yell reverberated down the hallway.

"One minute Tenten." Shizune ran down the hall. Within a few minutes she returned with an anxious look on her face.

"Tenten, I think I may have a mission for you. Please come with me." Shizune started walking back again to Tsunade's office. 'A mission, a mission straight from the hokage?' The thought brought a bubble of excitement to the girl. The hokage, contrary to popular belief did not delegate all missions. Only those that warranted special attention got the hokages special touch. Unlike team seven, which seemed to be a magnet for important and powerful people, most genin only caught brief glimpses of their leader and most chuunin would count themselves lucky to get a passing by hello. Tenten had been luckier than most, having been in Tsunade's office already a handful of times. Still she had hardly spoken during those times, plus she had always been with her team, and frankly after blowing up that illegal weapons shop (and several smaller stores close to the facility) she thought that she would never be trusted with another mission from her idol again. Could it be, that she would be able to redeem herself to her idol and obtain her one true love with one glorious mission? Her heart was hammering in her chest as she finally stood across from the woman.

"Hmm, you wouldn't be the first person I would think of for this job." Tsunade started bluntly, and Tenten felt her heart sink. "This mission requires tact and respect for the surrounding environment and other challenges that take a keen and devious mind to grasp." Tsunade leaned forward looking the young woman straight in the eyes. "You are a well-rounded ninja Tenten, deadly, precise, straightforward and intelligent. This job requires deadly precision and awareness of your environment. You will be hunting the lowest of the low, but your job must leave no marks, except for the ones on your enemies. It requires patience and a critical eye as your enemy is fairly sneaky and well-versed in hiding in plain sight. Still there are other unique challenges to this mission."

"I will do whatever you ask of me Tsunade-sama."

"I am giving you an option Tenten, not a command. I thought it might be of interest to you as it is a well-paying mission."

"I am prepared for anything Tsunade –sama!" Tenten said as visions of her new sword danced in her head.

"If you say so," Tsunade said with a dark smile. "Then it is final, you will be the new anti-peeping guard at the Green Roots Hot Spring."

"Eh?" Tenten's mouth hung open as she stared vacantly at Tsunade.

"There has been a disturbing increase in voyeuristic perverts in the fire countries most prestigious hot spring."

"Eh?" Tenten was pretty sure she resembled a gold fish at this point.

"You will be given a regular commission of 10,000 ryo a week."

Something snapped in place in side of Tenten's head. "Yes, Tsunade sama!" Tenten said enthusiastically a big grin on her face.

"At least that is what you will earn as long as there are no damages to the property. Any damage, no matter how small, will come directly out of your paycheck. If you have any questions, you should look closely at the contract."

"There is no need Tsunade-sama. I will prepare immediately. I will not disappoint you."

"Good you start tomorrow at 8 am. " With that she was dismissed.

As the girl left the office Tsunade helped herself to a little bit of sake. "There's one born every minute?"

"Yes, Tsunade-sama."

**Day one**

"Konohomaru," sniff, "do we have" sniff, "to be sneaking around so" sniff "early?" Udon complained. He wiped furiously at his runny nose, but his impetuous leader was not even looking at him.

"Quiet Udon, if we are ever going to master big brother Naruto's special technique we'll need to conduct a lot of research. Now keep on looking around, I heard that they might have hired someone to scout. Failure could mean our very lives." Konohamaru said pressing his hand to the outer walls of the hot springs and feeling for the small groove of stone to try to find the cap to the peephole as he sensed for any unknown chakra. After all peeping wasn't simply about finding a peephole. Kunoichi were a deadly breed, any signs of disturbance or tampering and he would be a goner. "Found it." He said grasping at a smooth piece of stone that at first seemed a part of the wall but carefully, with a small bit of chakra carefully loosened itself from the walled surface.

Usually it took a few good hours of scouting before he even found an available target, but already he could make out a dark head of short hair and a tan neck. 'Come on,' his mind urged, 'turn around or stand up.' He needed to know if this girl would be a good spring of inspiration. From this view he could barely even tell it was a woman. As if reading his mind the figure before him did both.

"GWWWWAUUUGGGHHHHHHHHH!" Konohamaru screamed as he fell to the ground his hands clutching his eyes and sobbing

Udon rushed over to Konohamaru and began to shake him. "What happened?" Sniff, "Are you okay?" Sniff, "hey answer me!" Konohamaru just whimpered in pain. It didn't look as if any projectiles had been launched into Konohamaru's retina, still his leader wouldn't be like this unless he was forced to suffer through some horrific attack. Cautiously Udon approached the hole. He could sense a faint genjutsu surrounding it. It was well hidden though. 'I should dispel it though,' he thought as he wiped his nose again. 'Maybe if I see what type it is we can figure out who laid this trap.' He would have to allow himself to enter the genjutsu to break it though, but he was certain despite whatever horror they could come up with he would retain enough sense to break it.

Pressing his eye to the peephole all hope became lost. "No," sniff "no, please no." A thousand bowl hair and thick eye browed men were playing provocatively in the hot spring, the steam the only thing preserving their dignity. All rational thought left him and so did consciousness as he passed out in horror. As such he didn't sense the figure which suddenly dropped down on the ground between him and his boss.

"Heh, I'm not really that great with genjutsu." Tenten said more to herself than the others. "I prefer fighting weapons in hand and feeling and hearing my enemies' bones break beneath me. Still, Gai always pushed us to learn those things that were hard for us. So while I'm nowhere near a master I did learn a handy trick. Who knew all those traumatizing experiences with Gai could be used as an effective weapon."

Konohamaru stopped his whimpering and looked at her, horror still etched on his face. "You." he whispered as if in pain.

"Yup, me. You're a little young to be a pervert. I guess it's a good thing I caught you so soon. It's easier to break bad habits from the beginning. After all, you really should be careful where you look. You might not like what you see."

"You," Konohamaru said with a snarl as he forced himself to his feet. "Just because no man will ever look at you doesn't mean you have to be such a bitch."

The killing intent that radiated out of the area sent a wave of boiling heat through the surrounding hot springs.

"What did you say?" A dark aura surrounded Tenten and she summoned her iron chain.

"You heard me, and I never take back a word. A true ninja stands by what he says no matter what, that is my nindo!"

"IDIOT!" Before Konohamaru even had a chance to blink her long chain was wrapped around his leg and he was air born. "It doesn't matter how serious you say it, you still sound like an idiot!"

Twenty minutes later

"Hey, did you hear that?" Izumo asked Kotestu as he looked up from the paperwork the ring man from the traveling circus was presenting him.

"Did it sound like some poor sap wrapped up in chains and suspended on the other side of the entrance with a seal on his mouth that says big mouthed idiot?" Kotetsu said as he languidly stamped the fortuneteller's passport.

"Yes," Izumo said, an eyebrow raised.

"Nope." Kotetsu said stamping the passport of the bearded lady.

"Oh."

Back at the hot springs Tenten congratulated herself on a job well done when she came across the owner staring at the wall with a serious expression.

"Shigi San, I have dispatched of one group of perverts today. I assure you they will not be returning."

"There is a hole in my wall." Shigi said severely pointing to the peeping hole.

"Eh, oh it seems the perpetrators had established the hole previously. They used a piece of stone and chakra to disguise the gap. However, I have booby-trapped it so that no one will want to even dare look through it."

"There is a hole in my wall! Do you know what such things say about a hot spring! It is an eyesore, already customers will begin to flee. Word will spread out and the status of my hot springs will fall, only middle class old men will bother coming. The whole reputation of my prestigious resort is ruined!" Shigi said in a fury as he pointed at the small hole in the wall as if it was some disturbing cancer.

"Eh?"

"300 ryo!"

"What?" Tenten said blankly unsure of where the number had come from.

"From your paycheck, how dare you allow this to happen!" Tenten could feel her blood begin to boil.

"I wasn't even here when that happened. You cannot expect me to honestly pay for something that happened before I even started!"

"Are you talking back to me!? You will pay what your negligence has caused or I will find a Kunoichi who is capable of doing her job." He growled pointing his finger in her face. It took all of Tenten's self-control not to bite it.

"Yes sir." Tenten said through clench teeth and her mind began to chant 'the mantra chakra sword, chakra sword, chakra sword'.

AN: I have written out the whole story so far, but I am waiting for a beta to look through. Anyone who is willing to give a third set of eyes through this story is appreciated. This story will be uploaded in three parts aptly named, beginning, middle, and end. There might also be an Omake, but heaven knows if that will actually work out.


	2. Middle

Disclaimer: In a land far, far away, there lived a mangaka that was not me. The end.

**Day Two**:

The sun had begun to set in Konoha. Stall owners welcomed the evening with paper lanterns and electric lights beckoning. Mother's greeted it with a kitchen light left on hoping to lure young children home. It was a quieter time of day; a time when people sought to soak away the stress and anxieties of the day just passed and welcome the cool relief. The grounds of the Green Roots spa was lit both by torch and moonlight beckoning passerby with the promise of serenity and peace. The air was musical with the song of birds, chirping of crickets and the profanities of talking bushes.

"God damn it Lee, that's my foot." One bush said to the other as they both collided into each other again.

"Naruto san, I thought you said you had a genjutsu for this. I do not see the illusion quality of this mirage."

"That's because my illusions are the best Lee, that they look extra real. You better believe it! Now shhh, we don't want to get caught." The bushes slowly and painfully, with many collisions and branches meeting certain sensitive areas of the body, made it to the outer wall of the hot spring. A pale hand reached out from the bush and began to feel the wall. It patted, rubbed and began to smack the smooth stone out of frustration.

"Damn it I can't find the hole. Shit I'll just have to make another one. The hand retracted back into the bush before leaping out again with a dagger. "A Hah!" and then a "IYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH" as the hand realized a senbon had just pierced the center of its palm. Tenten dropped down. Chewing on an extra senbon she kicked the bushes over revealing the young men beneath.

"Touch that wall and you will lose that hand." She said menacingly.

"Tenten, what are you doing here?" Lee said as if he hadn't been dressed as a bush sneaking toward the women's side of a prestigious hot spring.

"Sakura invited me earlier to come to the hot spring with her and Ino, but of course I told them I was already working. However, I knew if Sakura was going to the hot spring I would need to be on the lookout for Idiot number 1." She said gesturing toward Naruto. "My big question is what do you think you're doing Lee?" She looked at Lee intently even as she bent backwards and roughly yanked the senbon out of Naruto's hand.

"Well you see . . . "

. . . FLASH B—

"Wait a second, what the hell is that!" Tenten said angrily pointing at the above lettering.

"Uhm, judging by the use of the three periods and the large bold lettering I think the author was attempting to tell the audience that we were fading into a flashback sequence." Lee said curiously gazing at the words above.

"Pffft, that type of shit just stinks of lazy writing!" Tenten said with a roll of her eyes.

"It is true she could have worked it into the story without the use of such jarring transition elements." Lee said rubbing his chin contemplatively.

"You guys aren't the main characters, you should see how she transition between days. My god, it's just as pathetic."

"Actually, I think flashbacks themselves are a product of poor and unplanned writing." Naruto said sternly rubbing at his chin in thought. "Believe it! I mean if you actually know where you're going with a story you would begin at the beginning. After that your character actions and dialogue should reveal enough to the reader without you having to spell things out to them in a redundant series of black and white monologues from dead people. A flashback is just a way to make shit up as you go. That's like killing someone and then revealing they weren't really dead, or you found a way to resurrect them, just because the character was more popular than you thought. It is pretty annoying. Hey, why are you guys looking at me so funny?" Lee looked away as he whistled innocently. Tenten coughed something that sounded suspiciously like hypocrite.

Naruto frowned then suddenly pointed off to the side. "Hey look!"

Both Tenten and Lee turned around looking puzzled.

"Uhm, Naruto what exactly are we looking at?" Lee asked quizzically.

"Tenten's screen time," He said with a smirked.

The girl whipped around with both middle fingers up."Son of a bitch!"

"Come on guys there is no need to get personal." Lee shook his head in disapproval at the glares the two were shooting each other. "Come on now, there is a time and place for these discussions.

Tenten sighed, deciding she would be the adult in this. "I don't know about you guys, but I think I'm tired of breaking the fourth wall. I have to be here until the end of this story, and I got places to be and things to do. Come on let's get back to the lacking plot."

"But we're not doing the flashback." Naruto said seriously

"Of course, it would be a crime against fiction." Lee agreed solemnly. The boys both looked at Tenten. Squaring back her shoulders.

"Only for the name of fiction," Tenten said joining the three in a hesitant promissory hand shake.

Tenten glared at Naruto, who was still rubbing at his sore hand; "I can understand the idiot being here," she pointed a finger at the accused blonde before turning to look at Lee, "but what do you think you're doing Lee?"

"I know what you are thinking Tenten. But Naruto and I have come here with only the best of intentions in our hearts. We as ninjas live in a dangerous world. We face death and danger at every turn. By ourselves we must forever be wary, looking over our shoulders for potential danger. That is why we live as a village, so that we can work together to ensure each other's safety. As Sakura soaks in that hot springs she will allow her mind and body to rest, her guard is down. In her relaxed state she is vulnerable to attack from bandits, s-class ninjas, poisonous snakes, and wandering bears. So how can she possibly relax without knowing that someone is looking out for her? Our eyes are watching her wherever and whenever she may go. There is no escape from our twin sight! " So lost was Lee in his daydream he didn't see the iron fan descending until it connected with his cranium.

"THAT'S EVEN MORE CREEPY THAN JUST PEEPING!" Tenten screeched.

"You cannot stop our love. We shall watch over Sakura no matter the consequences!" Naruto fist pumped enthusiastically.

Tenten hit him hard with the iron fan. "No matter how seriously you say it, YOUR STILL JUST CREEPY STALKERS!"

**20 minutes later**

Izumo looked oddly at Kotetsu who was fiddling with a small card in his hands. Apparently the bearded lady had given his partner her phone number. His ears picked up a faint noise from the other side of the fence.

"Hey did you hear that?"

Kotetsu did not even turn around to reply, "Did it sound like two idiots being nailed to the front of the gate by a thousand tiny senbon?"

"Yes?" Isumo said looking dubiously at his partner.

"Didn't hear a thing."

Back at the hot spring Tenten finally regained control of her breathing. The two idiots had really managed to cross the line this time around. As if on cue Shigi appeared.

"My bushes!" He screamed pointing at the two bush disguises.

"Two serial stalkers had tried to use them as a way to get close to their intended prey. Don't worry they have been taken care of."

"And who will take care of my bushes, my bushes! Do you know how important the surrounding landscape is too a hot spring do you? Do you have any idea about Feng Shui? One small disarrangement and the whole spiritual energy of the grounds is destroyed. Do you feel it?"

"Huh?"

"That is the spiritual energy leaving our very bodies. Already our customers well begin to flee. The whole balance of my establishment has been destroyed. How could you allow this to happen?"

"I Uh…"

"1,000 ryo! This atrocity must be fixed immediately."

As he stomped off Tenten stopped herself from throwing a kunai at him. She didn't have enough saved up to pay for those types of damages.

**Day three:**

There was nothing like chakra training in the morning, Ebisu thought as he began his began his simple chakra exercises near his favorite hiding spot. Walking on water, twirling to attack and imaginary enemy and manipulating his own elemental affinity, he was truly a man at the top of his form, he thought . Whether anyone else shared this thought was another story. He performed the maneuvers with the simple ease of repetitiveness that soothed the mind 'I have done well today,' he thought, 'perhaps it is time for a little reward.'

Ebisu would insist he was not a pervert. He simply had an affinity . So as he felt up against the wall looking for that illusive chakra hole, it wasn't because he liked seeing naked women. No, it was because he liked to see his fellow Konoha citizens enjoying the natural resources of their fertile land. Of course, the fact that Bouncy; the name he had given the little waitress from the dango bar, said she would be visiting friends here was also an extra bonus. Still he was not a pervert, well at least not a complete idiot of one.

He leapt out of the way as three poisoned senbon hit the ground he had been standing on. "What do you think you're doing attacking a Konoha Ninja?" he yelled out to the forest as he twirled a kunai at the flair of chakra to his right. The kunai whirled back at him and he dodged to miss and again narrowly ducked to avoid its return trajectory. A figure dropped down to a lower branch kunai in one hand and another hand on her hip. The leaf symbol stood prominently on her forehead.

"Perhaps you can tell me why a high ranked ninja of Konoha is sneaking around the outside walls of the women's bath house." Tenten said coldly as she played with the kunai in one hand.

"I am not doing anything indecent. I was simply exercising." He said quickly pushing his glasses up his nose in snotty defiance. How dare she accuse him when he hadn't even looked yet.

"I'm on team Gai and even we have never exercised with our heads to the wall."

"I thought I heard a call of distress."

"So you were just checking to see if the coast was clear?" She arched an eyebrow.

"I do not like these accusations. I should have you know that my character is exemplary. I would not be in the position that I am in now if it wasn't!"

"Titles mean jack shit when it comes to character. Orichimaru was one of the legendary sanins and he was caught stalking a pubescent boy." Why the hell the teenage boy left the village for him, Tenten seriously couldn't understand.

"It is not just my title that recommends my character!" Ebisu yelled back hotly. "The characters of my students also speak to the earnest goodness of their instructor. I have trained the next Sarutobi heir as well as the legendary Naruto. I think that deserves more respect!" He said puffing out his chest like a peacock and folding his arms in front of him.

"You trained them?" The girl said so quietly he could barely hear her.

"Of course, they wouldn't have been able to master their best techniques without my help." He smirked in pride, because after all chakra control was the prerequisite of all other skills.

"YOU TRAINED THEM!" Tenten said as a dark aura enveloped her form. Ebisu did not know what hit him, literally. He had turned around and attempted to run but was not fast enough to avoid the tree branch that connected with his head.

**Twenty minutes later.**

Izumo looked at his best friend oddly, he had strange red marks on his face.

"What happened to your face?"

"Five O'clock shadow?" Kotetsu said lazily flipping through an autographed circus flier.

Izumo stared at his partner for a long time." But the hair on your face never grows that quickly or even that coarse. It's like you rubbed your face in brillo." He said in confusion.

Kotetsu did not reply.

A sound startled Izumo out of his silent but disturbing musings. "Hey, did you hear that?"

"Did it sound like a grown man whimpering in pain because he was hog tied to a pole with the sign corrupter of youth nailed into his face with a kunai."

"Yes?"

"No, I think you need your ears checked."

**Back at the hot springs: **

"My tree," Shigi yelled.

"I know a branch got damaged sir," Tenten said patiently, "but surely since the rest of the tree is okay it is sure to grow new branches."

"Grow a new one, grow a new one?" Shigi's aura started to turn dark. "This tree was first put to seed by my great, great, great, great grandfather when he started this hot spring. It has represented countless years of good fortune. When I was little my mother used to bring me to this tree and lay me at its roots. It is from this very tree our name comes from and you allowed it to be defiled!"

"Eh!"

"2,000 Ryo" He screeched turning in his heals and purposefully striding away.

"Seriously wtf!"

**Day four:**

Tenten did her third run through the woman's side of the hot spring, but she could detect no disguised chakra signatures. It seemed like today was actually going to be a quiet day. She thanked whatever gods there were. Who knew that Konoha held so many hidden perverts and so many flagrant ones too. Suddenly she felt it, a strange tingling in the back of her head. 'What is this,' she thought and she looked around. Something told her to head back to the left toward the men's side. Carefully, as she rather did not want to get an accidental eye view of the men's side she made her way through the tree tops scanning the outer perimeter. The strange tingling sensation in her head acted up again and then by instinct she looked down.

There was a dark haired young man sitting on a tree branch below her. He wore strange shinobi gear that looked like something a male Ino would wear and was holding a paint brush and paper. His gaze was fixated on the male figures in the bath. 'I didn't sense his chakra,' she thought, 'so how did I know he was there? Don't tell me I've developed a pervert sense.' The thought sent a strange feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach.

She dropped down into the branch in front of the young man. Up close he looked to be the same age as her, but she couldn't place him from anywhere. It is perfectly possible that we never met she thought. I mean as big as this village is it would be ridiculous if there were only 12 ninja around my age.

"What do you think you're doing?" She asked sternly looking down at him. He smiled at her sending cold goose pumps down her skin. 'He's creepier than those headless mannequins at the mall' she decided.

"I'm drawing." He said simply. "My name is Sai."

"Eh," 'He's treating this like this is normal, what the hell.' "And what exactly do you think you're drawing Sai?"

"This," he showed her his notebook. Immediately her face turned several shades of red then purple as she tried not to chock on her own spit.

"What the, what the hell do you think you're doing!? You shouldn't show a young lady things like that, it's inappropriate."

"Lady, you're female?" Tenten sputtered in disbelief as Sai stood on the branch leaf and moved closer. Before she could comprehend what was happening she felt a hand squeezing an inappropriate place below her waistband.

"Hmm, if you have one it would have to be smaller than dickless."

**One minute later**:

Izumo looked oddly at his partner who was sitting by the entrance of Konoha underneath a table and hadn't moved for the past three hours.

"There is hair on your pants." Izumo said pointedly.

"Hair falls out."

"Your hair isn't blonde." He sighed, a blush on his face, as he looked away. "The table giggled." It also shook a little.

"I told you to check your hearing." Kotetsu said casually.

"So I'm guessing you didn't hear that then."

"The sound of a young man flying through the air, as a result of an explosion?" Kotetsu asked.

"Of course not," Izumo said definitively.

"I did hear old man Shigi yell 5,000 ryo." Kotetsu said evenly as the table moaned.

A/N: I worried that day two might seem too much of a rip off of Rock Lee and his ninja pals, yes I am a big fan of the series. Unfortunately, I really, really wanted Naruto to break the fourth wall. Unless, I do Omake's, and well at that point I may abandon all pretenses of a plot.


	3. End

Standard Disclaimer: I am not male, do not live in Japan, nor do I treat my female characters like second class citizens; Therefore, I do not own Naruto

Day five:

In a foul and bitter mood Tenten stalked the tree tops. At this rate she would never be able to afford her chakra sword. Still, she had a duty to uphold. Her pervert sense tingled. 'Single white male,' her senses informed her, 'and extra perverted.' Thankfully this time her senses guided her back into the female section of the hot spring, but by eyes alone she could detect nothing. 'Stop,' her senses commanded her. They were nearby, but hiding. 'A genjutsu most likely,' but how could she make the pervert show himself. 'I could use ninja wire,' she thought but that might damage the landscape, unless.

"Hiyaa," she yelled with a furious swing unleashed a dozen ninja wires. She could make out a shadow move where there was no form as several large and ancient trees were reduced to tiny bonsais. She spat out a dozen senbon before the shadow could move far. She hit "Wood?"

"That's not very respectful to the surrounding environment Miss Tenten."

She whirled around to the source of the voice. There leaning casually against the wall, orange book in hand, stood her instructor's eternal rival.

"Kakashi sempai, what do you think you are doing?"

"I am exploring the meaning of life?"

"Eh?"

"Communing with nature?"

"Try again."

"I'm exploring my feminine side."

"What?" Tenten felt her eyes twitch.

"My feminine side is a lesbian," Kakashi said as his good eye fixated on the orange book in front of him. He giggled.

Tenten felt her whole body twitch. "You will have to leave," she said as a sickle appeared in her hand.

"No, I was here first." Kakashi said simply. The sickle struck out and hit Kakashi who turned out to be another log.

"I would be careful Miss Tenten, I know Shigi is very temperamental about his private property."

"Get out of here you old pervert."

"Old? I am simply accomplished. Really Miss Tenten such shows of anger are not becoming in a young lady." He phased out just in time to avoid the tanto aimed at his head.

"As if I care about what some middle aged man thinks is attractive."

"Middle aged man?" Kakashi choked out, the book coming down. "I'm the same age as Gai," he said desperately.

"Like I said, creepy middle-aged man. Do you realize how pathetic you look still peeping at your age?" her words seemed to hit the right spot because he froze. She took the opportunity to bring the mace down only to hit the outer wall as Kakashi fazed away quickly.

Ten minutes later

Izumo stood before the hokage with his head bowed down in shame. He never thought there would be a day that he would ever tattle tell on his partner in crime. The day had come and he had no choice.

"So you think your partner has run off to join the circus. And why do you think this?"

"He didn't come by for movie night. He has never missed movie night. We've had movie night every Thursday night for the past six years."

"Wait can you hear that?" Tsunade said seriously pressing her ear to the office window.

"No, not really."

"You mean you don't hear a thirty something jounin having a mid-life crisis?" Tsunade said looking at him closely.

"No," Izumo said in confusion.

"We are going to have to check your hearing," Tsunade said seriously.

Day six:

Dejectedly Tenten dragged her feet through Konoha. Usually she was much more chipper during her lunch break. However thanks to Kakashi getting on her nerves yesterday she would be lucky to break even at the end of the week. 'At this rate,' I'll be eating ramen for breakfast dinner and lunch for the next year, and I still won't have my sword. Tenten was startled from her thoughts when she felt someone running straight for her it took a quick double maneuver to avoid collision with the adolescent running heedlessly in her direction. The youth tripped over his own feet and fell straight on his face.

"Ouch that's got to hurt," she said helping him back into his feet.

"Miss Tenten," The youth said his face a bright scarlet.

"Konohamaru?" Tenten eyed the young man weirdly. He should have been running away in terror when seeing her, why was he just standing there? She felt another presence behind her and turned.

"Miss" sniff "Tenten," Udon said eyeing her weirdly.

"Ehehe, well I guess I will be off. You two should look where you are going." Tenten said giggling uncomfortable as she skirted away from them.

That was weird she decided as she ran off. Maybe that genjutsu cracked their brains, she thought. Suddenly she felt two familiar chakra signatures following here. Looking up sure enough she spotted two bushes leaping through the air and following her on a parallel path. 'They must be getting ramen too,' she decided. Knowing Naruto that idea wasn't too far off.

Still Tenten broke out into her quickest run. Looking back anxiously at the pursuing bushes she didn't see Ino until she nearly ran her over.

"Ack, Tenten are you ok?" The blonde asked curiously patting her soothingly on the back.

Tenten's pervert senses tingled in alarm, but Tenten forced herself to remain calm. This was Ino. She always knew the girl was boy crazy. She just had never realized how much so. "Something strange is going on."

"What do you mean?" Ino asked as she guided Tenten to a small nearby restaurant. Despite her protest Ino insisted that she come sit inside with her. Looking at the menu, Tenten groaned it looked like she was going to have water for lunch.

'Naruto and Lee, and Konohamaru and his sidekick were well . . . they're acting a little weirder than usual."

"Well I did notice them watching us, what do you think that's about?" Ino said patiently as the waiter came by.

Tenten told the blonde the story of her last six days. She stared at Ino as the blonde contemplated the strange story.

"Hey, do you think Izumo and Kotetsu may have some sort weird unresolved sexual tension and that is why Kotetsu is making out with a person of questionable gender."

"What the hell Ino I wasn't even talking about them. Oh hey is that Kotetsu by the bar with a, a, a I'm not sure what that is. Damn it, Ino I need help with my problems!"

"Excuse me Miss. Tenten." The waiter said addressing Ino. Ino pointed to Tenten. "This is from the gentlemen in the corner with the bandana and glasses." The waiter placed a plate of dim sum in front of Tenten.

"Eh?" Tenten was instantly on red alert as she tried to scan the area. Ino kicked her from under the table.

"Don't do that you look like your expecting someone to attack you. You have to be subtle. Let me look first. I'll tell you if he is cute and worth your time." Ino said running her fingers through her ponytail and tilting her head to the side slightly. Tenten resisted the urge to shake the blonde when the other girl turned ashy pale.

"What is it Ino?"

"Don't look Tenten, don't eat that and don't look" Of course as soon as Ino said it Tenten looked.

Ebisu waved cheerfully back at her from the corner. Tenten felt her breakfast crawl up her esophagus.

"I told you not to look. I think I can explain this though."

"What do you think is happening?"

"Have you ever heard of operant conditioning?"

"Listen Ino I don't know why you're obsessed with my hair, but I like it like this way!"

"Operant conditioning, not conditioner! Operant conditioning is a psychological technique in which you can influence people's behaviors by associating positive or negative stimuli to certain activities or behaviors."

"Huh?"

"Don't tell me you have never heard of Pavlov's dogs. Pavlov was an early psychological researcher who hypothesized that you could program animals and people to respond to neutral stimuli by developing a psychological association of the stimuli to a positive or negative stimuli."

"Ino, I'm not a dog."

"Okay, fine. Listen, you love ice cream right?" she waited as Tenten nodded her head. "You have good memories of buying ice cream from the truck in the summer. " Tenten nodded her head again. "Every time you hear the bells of the ice cream truck, you think of ice cream. Even though you haven't seen it, those bells have you thinking of ice cream. Those bells do not necessarily equal ice cream, but because you heard it around ice cream that bell triggers memories of ice cream."

"What does that have to do with anything Ino?"

"Well, those men really loved the hot springs. It must have pleasurable stimulus, don't make that face Tenten, I'm speaking from a psychological standpoint. For the last six days you were there at the hot springs. Now that they can't go to the hot springs they are seeking out the one thing that reminds them of the hot springs, you."

"You mean because they can't peek anymore they are trying to get off by watching me." Tenten said in a quivering voice.

"That's not how I would put it. Tenten why are you shaking" She tried to grasp her friends hand, but Tenten just jerked away quickly. She looked as if she was about to pass out and then as if guided by the God's of bad timing, Sai appeared.

"Hello, Miss Tenten do you mind if I take I make a detailed illustration of your nonmasculine parts." He said cheerfully.

Tenten Bolted out of her seat. "I QUIT! I quit, there is no way in hell I'm going to be a pervert magnet!" She screamed as she ran out of the store. Ino watched her run straight toward the hokage tower before letting go of the henge. Kakashi gave a thumbs up to his partners in crime as helped himself to some dim sum.

Day Seven:

Tenten felt the stress of the week finally melt away as she allowed her body to float on the hot jets of water.

"By the end I ended up owing Shigi 350 ryo. I still wish you guys would have given me the heads up." She said to her companions. Sakura and Hinata grimaced slightly remembering their own brief unpaid missions.

"You wouldn't have learned anything; at least that is what Shizune said. Really you guys do I have to be all the way over her and facing the wall. Didn't you check me for genjutsu twice." Ino said angrily. The three other girls all shook their heads no, after what Tenten told them they still couldn't trust that Ino was Ino.

"Apparently old man Shinji has been doing this for years. Any excuse not to pay a cent." Sakura said as she rolled her head in the water.

"It is a valuable lesson though. You can't look at just the mission pay you got to ask questions. Never become blindsided by money, you may accept a mission you really don't want to do and end up with less than you expect." Hinata said quietly.

"I can't believe that he could get away with it for so long. You would think Tsunade would have gotten something from that old cheapskate." Ino said fuming, as she remembered her own experience two months ago.

"Well, actually" Tenten said teasingly dropping her voice low. Ino used her clan technique to mind control one of the closer patrons to hear. "Apparently if Shigi fires the ninja he must give the ninja three months' worth of pay and pay a special fee to the Hokage."

"Three months," Ino said through the mouth full of water her body had almost drowned in.

"Mhm, I shared this idea with my replacement and we made a deal. I get 40% thanks to the special information I shared on Konoha's perverts." Tenten said quietly.

"What makes you so sure the Shigi will fire them?" Hinata asked.

"How do I say this nicely, this person is a rare breed of pervert."

"Are you talking about who I think you're talking about?" Sakura asked looking toward the outside of the springs.

"Listen," Tenten said.

"You mean to Izumo yelling to Kotetsu about circuses and—"

"Not them Ino, listen you guys."

"What the fuck do you think you're doing!?" They could hear Naruto scream.

"Ah dickless and friends, if you are wondering what a real penis looks like you should look on the other side."

"Sai!" Naruto screamed.

"What the hell is graffiti doing on my walls!" Mr. Shigi yelled. "Especillay graffiti of that kind!"

"I was helping my friends understand sex better, since they are clueless about the difference between male and female bodies."

"I am not gay!" A voice that sounded like Ebisu yelled.

"I am not running that type of establishment." Mr. Shigi screamed.

"Like I said, he's a special kind of pervert." Tenten said with a devilish smile.

-The End-


	4. Omake

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or series listed below

Omake:

Dressed in a blue patrol man's outfit Tenten looked confused. The light from the camera was attracting a lot of fireflies and moths and she tried to focus on the camera man but the light, heat, and insects were making it difficult for her.

"Do I have to wear this?" She asked.

" . . . "The camera man answered, but it was edited out in the studio.

"I get that they wear this on the America version of the show, but do I have to wear it? I mean were in uhm Japan/ancient japan/mythological Asian place. I'm not even sure if there is an America in this universe."

" . . ."

"Okay, then and uhm what's up with that music you're playing. I mean it's kind of catchy but are you guys going to play it the whole time."

". . ."

"Oh, so it's kind of a trademark of the show, but it doesn't even have the shows name in it. You know what, whatever." Turning around Tenten began stalking through the darkness she was outside of a walled fence patrolling around landscaped green grounds.

"Konoha is a great place to live you know. It's got excellent schools, parks, and playgrounds, and is really welcoming to families. Still, even in a place like this you get lowlifes. The night is a magnet for the sickos you know, people who think they can get away with anything. I put them back in their place though, right behind bars." Suddenly Tenten paused in her musing and turned sharply to her right. "My perv sense is tingling." She bolted and the camera chased after her the heavy breathing of the camera man adding to the creepy sensation of chasing perverts. A few yards away Tenten ground to a halt and yelled and two wiggling bushes.

"Hey, you two what do you think you're doing!" Tenten said threateningly with her night stick as she kicked over one of the bushes.

A blonde haired man with pixels covering his face pointed to the camera. "(bleep) I'm on TV. Hey Sakura, look I'm on T.V.," he yelled as he waved his hands in front of his pixelated face. Tenten wacked him with her night stick.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? Didn't I tell you not to come back here?"

"I wasn't doing anything I just got a little lost is all. I didn't even know I was near the hot springs, honestly."

"Yeah really and what is your buddy their doing?" Tenten said a foot prodding the other bush. Suddenly a figure with frizzy brown hair erupted from the bush with pixels over his face and crotch and his pants at his knees.

"Well hello there officer, aren't you looking hot tonight. I'm feeling like a horn dog care to feel something of mine that is just as a hard as your night stick." He soon felt how hard the night stick truly was as Tenten introduced it to his head repeatedly. He was saved though when Naruto tried to run. Tenten bolted after the fleeing boy leaving the brunette comatose to the floor.

"You (bleep)hole," Tenten screamed, "you put him up to it."

"I would never do that, believe it. I told K(bleep) to never use those lines on the dykey looking girls. It's not my fault that he didn't listen."

"You Mother(bleep)!" The camera swung high and stared at the stars as the sound of metal hitting flesh filled the air. After a couple of minutes the sound stopped. There was the crunching of foot prints walking through the forest. The camera panned back to a sweating and frazzled Tenten who was wiping a mysterious red substance off her baton.

"Like I said the pervs come out at night!" She said huffily and then froze. "(Bleep) another one, and this one is close by."

Parting another bush she found a long dark hair young woman. "Epp!" The young woman screamed and stood on trembling feet.

"What the (bleep) are you doing here H(bleep)."

"I wwwwas j j just lllooking for a a friend." The dark hair girl spoke.

"Hey, H(bleep) it's me. Why are you stuttering and hiding in bushes? The only time you stutter and hide is when N(bleep) is near." Tenten said laughing before something clicked in her head. Suddenly she was back to business. "H(bleep) who were you looking for?"

The young woman's pixelated face grew red. "Well you see uhm, it was uhm, no one uhm—"

"How long have you been watching this individual?" Tenten crossed her hands over her chest as she waited for a reply.

"You don't understand I really respect who he is as a person. I respect all the obstacles he has overcome!"

"Tell me the truth H(bleep) did you activate your byukagan?"

The girl turned to a shade of radioactive red before yelling out in a small and squeaky voice. "You can never understand the depth of my love!"

"H(bleep) I am going to have to escort you off the grounds." The camera watched as Tenten firmly grabbed the girls arm and took her away. The camera pained out and faded and returned to Tenten standing next to it.

"You got to be careful of the quiet ones," she said absentmindedly. "They are the worst." She paused letting out a calming breath. "I wanted to ask you something, what is up with those bleeps before?"

". . ."  
"And when I said people's names?"  
" . . ."

"I guess that makes sense at least now I know Neji won't kill me for chasing off his cousin, even if she deserved it. Wait a minute why didn't you bleep out Neji?"

. . .

"What do you mean you only bleep out the names of the pervs on camera!"

The camera went to dark and then came back on. The sky was darker and they were in a different area of the hot springs.

"I've just gotten reports of a loud drunk in the vicinity. He's on the outside grounds and looking to get inside. I think I see him now." The camera turned swiftly.

"Goldie,Goldie!" The large blue pixelated man with a black and red cloak wailed as he pointed an empty fish bowl to the sky.

"K(bleep) what the (bleep) are you doing here!" Tenten yelled in surprise.

"My girlfriend Goldie," The blue haired man said as he wobbled back and forth pointing to the fishbowl, or at least in its general direction. "She was my life, she was my everything, and now she's gone."

Tenten meanwhile was in the corner whispering into her radio. "Code blue, code blue, we've got an Akatasuki here. I need back up!"

The blue man staggered over to the camera man holding out the fish bowl with shaking hnds.

"I didn't mean to. I didn't, we got into an argument. Her mother said I would never amount to nothing. I said (bleep) what your mother says, you got to believe in me baby. She then threatened to leave. Oh god, I loved her I didn't mean to eat her! Goldie!" he screamed his tears falling into the fishbowl. Sniffling he looked up to the camera. "It's going to be okay, Itachi said there was a magical hot spring here that can bring back the dead, or turn boys into girls, or pandas. You don't think he told me that just to get rid of me do you? I mean Itachi is a real (bleep) he did kill his whole clan but even he wouldn't mess with true love! All I have to do is poop out Goldie in the magic water and she'll be alive again. I'll even buy her a bigger bowl next time. "

"Hey!" Two tanned men with bowl haircuts and orange leg warmers over their police suits suddenly ran in . They began to hit the blue man with their night sticks and fists.

"I didn't do nothing!" The blue man screamed as deep purple blood splurted from his face, "I didn't do nothing! Goldie! Goldie! Aw (bleep) man that's my liver!"

The camera panned out and turned dark, suddenly it refocused on Tenten who was glaring at the camera.

"No, like I told you the first time, Akatasuki is not a racial epithet. That man was part of a terrorist organization."

". . ."

"How do I know it's him? How many giant blue men do you see walking around?"  
" . . ."

"That is not profiling." Ignoring what was next said, Tenten suddenly stiffened. "My perv sense is tingling!" The camera followed Tenten a she rushed through the brush. "This is a real bad one, I can feel it!" She yelled to the camera behind here.

"Aw (bleep)." A distant male voice said as they came up to the scene. The Camera banned out to a pale white figure with reptilian like skin wearing a black hood. His face was pixelated out but the outline of glasses could still be seen. Disturbingly there was a second area around the pixelated man's body which seemed to wrap several times around him and ended in something that looked like a pixelated face. There were several adolescent boys nearby who looked like they were going to be sick.

"OH (bleep) it's (bleep) Or(bleep)! Mayday, we got a snake and several possible victims nearby." Tenten yelled into her radio.

Obliviously the pale haired man leaned in closer to the boys. "Why don't you come with me to my special place, it's place where you never have to grow up. We can have all the fun you like." A high pitched male voice said from somewhere in the figures crotch.

"(Bleep) back up," Tenten yelled as she unfurled two twin scrolls from her pockets, "EUNUCH NO JUTSU!"

The pale figure screamed as a barrage of weaponry feel from the sky cutting off the larger pixelated figure.

Still standing and hissing in pain the man yelled at Tenten. "YOU (Bleep) you killed Or(bleep) you (bleep)! Now I will kill you!" He attempted to rush at Tenten when a cloud of smoke suddenly covered the area. The loud sounds of fighting filled the air. The camera caught the vague outlines of several figures wearing animal masks shifting through the haze. Suddenly it went dark.

A light clicked on and the sky was suddenly visible. The sun was rising. Slowly the camera panned down to a lone figure, Tenten.

"Day is coming now, and my job is almost done. I have to say you guys caught a pretty good night. I'm glad to do my duty for Konoha and glad that I in some small way ensured she stays safe." She paused and then looked back and the camera and smiled. "Okay, now that is where you should end it. After all you need to end it in a dramatic shot. Don't turn off that song just yet though. It's really gotten in my head." Suddenly Tenten began to shake her hips and head. "Bad boys, bad boys, oh what you gonna do, oh what you gonna do when they come for you? Bad boys, bad boys. Damn that is catchy."

The camera panned to black.

"_COPS_ is filmed on location as it happens. All suspects are considered innocent until proven guilty in a court of law."


End file.
